| 4:20 |
[Apr. 20th, 2007|12:46 am] |
OH MY GOD IT'S 420!!! BEST HOLIDAY EVERRRRRRRR!!!!!
yeah, happy 420. I feel like I'm starting to slip into that familiar pattern from last time, I just hope I don't crash and burn again. And yes, that's ambiguous for a reason, I don't want to reveal too much to the livejournal community. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 3rd, 2007|02:49 am] |
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Oh, and I apologize for the depressing nature of all of my livejournal entries these days. |
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| fuck |
[Apr. 3rd, 2007|02:18 am] |
| [ | current trip |
| |  depressed | ] |
I believe it was Hemingway who once said that night is the most depressing time of day, that time right before you go to sleep, where you are completely alone with your thoughts. There is nobody else around, nobody to console or distract, just the thoughts in your head. Hemingway was right. Through watery eyes I can hardly see the computer screen.
I really don't know what the fuck to do. I can't take this anymore. I feel like absolute shit nearly all of the time. I wake up feeling generally miserable, and I go to sleep much more so. I feel like I can't make the right decisions anymore. I feel like I hardly have a single friend in the world, only because I sabotage all of my relationships. I feel like I can't take comfort in anything anymore, that everything is foreign and uninviting. It seems like I have very few friends at school, and the ones I do have get annoyed with me or hang out with me because they feel bad that I have the social skills of a pea. It seems like I can't make friends at all. It seems like I'm not important at all anymore, I feel like my problems are about the least of any in the world. It seems like the world might be better off without me some days, all I do is take up space anyway. It seems like my family is more upset with me than they are happy with me. It seems like everything is going wrong and everything is fucked up. College was supposed to be a time for me to change, to develop into a decent human being. Instead I'm become a recluse, shy, cowardly little bitch who can hardly make idle conversation, nevermind conversation that matters. I feel like I bore the fucking shit out of people, and anything I do say is just stupid and ignorant anyway. It seems like I'm a complete alien from society, and that nobody can relate to me. It seems like everybody has such an easier time. I'm not saying that people don't struggle, because I'm probably complaining about fucking nothing in comparison to them, but it just seems like people are able to just do life better than me. It seems like everything, every single miniscule fucking thing wrong with me and my life can be blamed on me and the mistakes I've made. I feel like going back to school might just make things worse. I feel like there are better things I could be doing at 2:30 on a tuesday morning than crying my eyes out and feeling depressed. I feel about as lonely as I might on Neptune.
I feel like I shouldn't be complaining or feeling depressed. It seems like alot of people have alot worse problems than I do. I'm probably dealing with the same shit as everyone else, I'm just a fucking pussy about it. I feel like I hit rock bottom ages ago and now I'm just sitting here waiting until one more thing goes wrong (because of me like it always does) and then i'll hit lower and do something rash, because I can't say the thought hasn't invaded my head. I'm sorry to all of my friends. This whole entry makes it seem like I haven't got a friend in the world. The truth is, the friends I have are some of the best in the world, and I love them all. I just wish I was a better friend in return. I'm sorry to anyone, anyone I've ever hurt in anyway. I'm sorry to anyone that I've put my own selfish needs in front of. I'm sorry to anyone I wasn't there for. I'm sorry if I was every a smug asshole. I'm sorry if I ever acted like an arrogant dick. I'm sorry to anyone I gave a bad first, second, third etc impression to. I'm sorry if I ever annoyed you, hassled you, treated you like shit. I'm sorry if I didn't make you seem special or imporant enough. I'm sorry if I ever wasted your time complaining about my problems instead of being a good friend. I'm sorry if I ever alienated you, or treated you unkind. I'm sorry if I didn't try hard enough for you, or for our friendship. I'm sorry if I was ever near sighted and didn't see your perspective. I'm sorry if I ever fucked up or if I wasn't there. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 18th, 2007|03:34 pm] |
| [ | current trip |
| |  aggravated | ] |
While quitting ciggs may be a good move, right now it's a huge regret. I'm always anxious now, like on the edge of my seat or just tense. My body is just welling up with emotion and anxiousness, and my body feels like it just needs something to calm it down. I have headaches very often now. I get upset/aggrivated/frustrated so easily, the slightest thing might set me off. Cigarettes are on my mind constantly, and it seems like everywhere I turn I see them. I don't want to smoke a pack a day, but it's almost unbearably hard to go without one. I regret smoking, probably more than anything else. So, if I snap at anyone, while I try my hardest not to, I apologize, but withdrawls fucking suck. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 23rd, 2007|01:30 am] |
| [ | current trip |
| | depressed | ] |
I wish I would get up and do something for a change, instead of sitting on my fat lazy ass. I wish I would get into better shape. I wish I weren't so damn stupid and inferior to all of my friends. I wish I weren't a drug addict. I wish I wasn't such a bum. I wish I would help out my parents more instead of being a selfish prick. I wish i weren't so damn depressing. I wish I were more understanding of people and be more grateful towards them. I wish I did more for other people. I wish I weren't so cowardly and shy towards people. I wish I could be happier being myself. I wish my parents wouldn't forget about my problems. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 7th, 2007|11:42 am] |
I like to be ambigious about my livejournal posts. and say things nobody else will understand.
Oh and you can't forget:
"Some stupid poem should go right down here
So people will think I'm bohemian or queer."
Oh sarcasm. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 26th, 2006|04:54 pm] |
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I feel like my life is going down the tubes. I'm on a downward spiral, I'm not sure if there's anyway out. I feel like things are just getting progrssively worse and worse instead of better. Fuck. I don't know what to do. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 5th, 2006|09:37 pm] |
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It's nice to know that in this fucked up world we live in, there is someone who even unconsciously or without thinking about it still cares. Even a tiny bit, at least someone does. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 7th, 2006|01:01 am] |
| [ | current tunes |
| | Grateful Dead - Casey Jones | ] |
Yeah, I love college. It is fucking awesome. I love partying, on what would be a school night. It's amazing, I'm crunk as hell. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 6th, 2006|02:21 pm] |
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college is cool shit. I'm enjoying Long Island and having fun. |
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| A Modern Factory Worker |
[Aug. 21st, 2006|01:06 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home...finally | ] |
| [ | current trip |
| |  chipper | ] |
| [ | current tunes |
| | Do Make Say Think - All Of This Is True | ] |
It's gleaming metal body, singing into the night a love song
Screaming about love lost and love found
Belting at the top of it's metallic lungs a ballad
Of such a beautiful love, A love that even the greatest writers and poets and musicians
Could never write about, it's an instrumental of metallic fanfare
Blasting, singing into the night.
It's beautifully crafted body, the product of many centuries of labor and experimentation
Is painting the beautiful chrome portrait it was designed to make
A completely beautiful image of the world, glistening off of the armor
from the street lights it sits under, a brother to it.
Oh how the body sings with delight, the exterior overture
Of a more perfect love than any will ever know.
Yet the body is merely a facade, an exterior protecting an interior
A random configuration of ones and zeros
Not language, not compassion, not understanding
Confused and puzzled, programmed and not created
It stares blankly at the flowers
Not wondering, not pondering, not noticing
Having no idea of beauty, of love
It's perfectly crafted body being the only mean of conveyance
It cannot notice the beauty of the highest point of the city
where if you look down all you see are beautiful city lights
Not pondering, not concerned at all
It has but one concern and it is that of it's duty
It displays no fear, no anger, no frustration, no joy
It is simply as it is programmed to be
A random series of ones and zeros
It contains no vital organs of life,
Simply a mouth box and a hard drive
An original design is a blank canvas and empty tracks
There's no need to fight back
It's perfection is that of a Renaissance portrait,
Product of years of trying and trying again,
glistening it's song of tragic flaws down the sewer grate,
It's thoughts dammed by non-existance
Never tasting to fruit, it will always comply
Never knowing a free, uncontrolled thought
Not a thought that is the product of someone else's ponderance
It sits on the bench, waiting for a bus
That will take it to a cold, lifeless chamber of solitude
Some may call a home.
Simply a shelter on the side of the road
So that it may not rust tonight in the potential 50% chance of rain
Though it may not be afflicted with this thought
It simply does without question or thought
Going through a day to day routine with no end in sight
And no goal to reach, a hopeless cause
Only because hope is not formatted to its hard drive
And goals are not compatible with the operation system. |
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| oh my mind is a clusterfuck |
[Aug. 14th, 2006|12:49 am] |
If I could tell you everything on my mind, I would. oh believe me I would.
But things are baracaded in there, choking the brain stem
Squeezing every last bit of juice and pulp from the fruit
That at one time may have held some coherent thought,
Without a distortion or an enhancement of any kind
Without a cosmic ripple in the infinity of that which is man
and that which is women, children and animals too.
If I could show you every tiny bloodsucking deer tick
lurking around, looking for a place where thoughts are like blood
Clotting every second and flowing constantly out of the body.
My right as a human being is to trust nobody, and I've done that.
If I could chart out every worry like a star chart or map
It'd be one complicated, fucked up map, with wrong turns and dead ends.
I write free verse poetry because I am completely inadequate.
and I'm completely inadequate because I don't know
what exactly I should be worrying about right now
Because the clamp against my head is hardly helping me at all
and neither are the woodpeckers and termites eating away at it.
And I feel like Charlie Brown because I know I will never ever win
And if I do, it won't matter because it will just be pulled out from under me
Because I hold too much faith in humanity. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 19th, 2006|11:31 pm] |
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I just got home from Bonnaroo. As in like an hour ago or so. Fucking so amazing. That was one of the funnest things I've ever done, I saw so many good fucking bands, some I'd never heard of and some that I wanted to see. I'm nice and tan too, and the vibe down there is so cool, sooo mellow. However, I'm only home until thursday then it's off to camp. if you would like to hang out, let me know soon. |
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| Thoughts |
[Jun. 8th, 2006|12:04 am] |
| [ | current trip |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
| [ | current tunes |
| | The Beatles - Come Together | ] |
Well it's been a while since I've last updated. Life is great, I'm a high school graduate now, every stress that was in my life is now done with. School, eagle, everything that stressed me out is now done with. So now I start a new chapter in my life, in September I'll be at school. and right now is the in between, a median between high school and college. and I'm very excited about starting college. It will be very different from high school, but I'm very excited still. I'm going to miss certain things, like Kelley and my family and friends, but I'll make new friends down there, and I'll be back up here too. It will be good.
Right now, I feel very deep in thought. I have so many thoughts racing through my head, so many questions. Why do we exist? Is there a purpose? Is there a God? What is love? None of these answers can be answered, I know that, because these things are not superficial, they're not the concrete things as math, science and other things are, no. They're much deeper than that. They're perspective, they all depend on the personality of the person analyzing them. Some people may disagree with me that they are concrete things, God and love and purpose. And that is another perspective, just as looking at them as a free concept is another perspective. All of life is how you look at it. Optimism and pessimism are solely based on the viewers perception of certain moments and episodes in time. Which is precisely how certain different religions and schools of thought came to be, due to a person's point of view.
But these things certainly cannot be broken down as easily as people would like to believe. People try to classify too often, with things as simple as music and as complex as philosophy. People try to hard and spend too much time trying to classify everything. Music cannot be classified, and as far as I'm concerned neither can life. Are people created good with bad tendencies or bad with good tendencies? This question cannot be answered, humanity and life itself are far to complex to break down as such. There may be right and they're may be wrong, but alot of life cannot be broken down into such a simple way, there are too many varying factors. Even love cannot be broken down, people expect certain things, but love is all around. Everybody's perception of love is different, and people are still too apt to try and classify love as one certain emotion.
Life has so many important facets to it, so many different things, often dependent on the society and the times. In today's society, I feel one of the most important things is respect. Respect for self, respect for other through tolerance. People are so untolerant of each other, it's quite disgusting. No one race is particularly better than another, and no person can be judges based on their intelligence or personality, even animals, plants and things should be respected. We are so eager to be considered the best, the highest, but we're all the best. No one person is better than another. Every person has some quality that makes them unique and that is a strong point, and every person has parts of them that are weak and can use improvment, and a person should not be judged solely on what they need to improve upon. No person is particularly better than another person, and people need to understand that there are only stupid differences between them, stupid barriers between them that will not unite them. No person can fit a certain stereotype, no one human being can fit a perfect mold.
I understand of course that this certain type of nirvana will never be achieved in society. No matter what there will always be one person that will be intolerant of another person, it can't be helped. but that shouldn't be looked in a negative manner either. Yes, total peace and total tolerance of humanity will never happen, but little things will make all of the difference in the world, through kindness, thoughtfulness, and without being an asshole. Helping one person do one thing will make all of the difference in the world to that person, to their world. and that is how the world revolves solely on perspective and on looking at things as you view them. A certain action may trigger a thought into a certain person. There will always be someone who loves and idea, and someone who hates an idea. Some people reading this will think that what I'm saying is entirely untrue, and I'm okay with that. This the reality I see, not the reality you see, and certain actions and thoughts for you will be very different from my thoughts. Certain music may be beautiful to one person and very bad to another person. Life is not one certain way. Sometimes things in life simply cannot be explained, and certain things in life can be explained. Life is not completely rational or logical, and never will be. People do certain things and certain things happen often times without reason.
So what have I really been saying for the past forty five minutes? Is it genius or pure balogna. Well, they're my thoughts. They're what I feel about the earth. You don't have to abide by anything here, in fact if you disagree, feel free. I'm right in my own way, just as you are in yours. Goodnight. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 9th, 2006|09:30 pm] |
| [ | current trip |
| |  happy...again | ] |
| [ | current tunes |
| | Dead Kennedys - We've Got a Bigger Problem Now | ] |
Alright so I'd like to apologize for that last entry. While it wasn't necessarily bad, it wasn't informative at all. So life is really really good. Like really fucking good. School is gonna be over in 5 and a half days. FIVE AND A HALF DAYS! and then I'm done at Holy Name. That is soo awesome. I've finished my eagle stuff, the application is going out tomorrow and then I'm done with that til my board of review. MY friends are sweet as always. This past weekend I went to Beth's beach house and went to Foxwoods drunk and smoked at the table. I went to Nick's the next day and got drunk and stoned and watched madd movies. Then sunday I hung out with Kelley and my family. We went to this reservoir out in RI and paddled around and shit. I went swimming. and it wasn't cold. I was surprised.
And then there's Kelley. Kelley has made me happy, like the happiest I've been in years. She's such a wonderful girl, and we can just talk and just hang out. We have alot in common and I enjoy that. She brightens my day. It's quite amazing really.
I have prom this weekend, gonna be fucking sickkkk. I can't wait.
So that's my life right now, in short. Summer's coming up. I've been tan for like two weeks straight. I've been on the computer less too, which is awesome, I hate wasting my life on the computer. So I'm done now. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 7th, 2006|11:01 pm] |
| [ | current trip |
| | happy | ] |
| Your Life: The Soundtrack | | Opening credits: | Sweet Emotion - Aerosmith | | Waking up: | So Much To Say - Dave Matthews Band | | Average day: | Son of Mr. Green Genes - Frank Zappa | | First date: | You Wear it Well - Rod Stewart | | Falling in love: | Do You Realize?? - Flaming Lips | | Love scene: | Let's Stay Together - Al Green | | Fight scene: | Arcarsenal - At the Drive-In | | Breaking up: | Little Wing - Jimi Hendrix | | Getting back together: | Could You Be Loved - Bob Marley | | Secret love: | Blood on Our Hands - Death From Above 1979 | | Life's okay: | You Enjoy Myself - Phish | | Mental breakdown: | Wishlist - Pearl Jam | | Driving: | Your Pretty Face Is Going to Hell - The Stooges | | Learning a lesson: | Thank You - Led Zeppelin | | Deep thought: | Goodbye Enemy Airship - Do Make Say Think | | Flashback: | 1969 - The Stooges | | Partying: | Deep Inside - Incubus | | Happy dance: | Puffy - Bela Fleck and the Flecktones | | Regreting: | I Want None of It - Radiohead | | Long night alone: | Sleep - Godspeed You! Black Emperor | | Death scene: | Golden Slumbers - The Beatles | | Closing credits: | Break On Through - The Doors | Take this survey | Find more surveys
You've been totally Bzoink*d |
I can't remember the last time I've been this happy. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 29th, 2006|06:23 pm] |
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The Holy Name administration can go eat a cock. I don't give a shit if they read this. What the fuck are they gonna do? Learn to plan you bastards. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 21st, 2006|08:46 pm] |
| [ | current trip |
| |  Ugh God Dammit | ] |
| [ | current tunes |
| | Billy Joel - New York State of Mind | ] |
MY weekend started Thursday and didn't end til sunday. It was filled with ALOT of smoke, like three days of it, Reggie and lots of other stuff. It was a good weekend I suppose.
Right now, however, I'm in a very odd sort of mood. I've been in a weird mood all week, it's very anxious. I don't know why I'd be anxious or anything, but I am. I don't like it at all. My mood has sucked lately, like the past couple of weeks. I don't like it at all. I'm seeing less and less good in the world, and more corruption. I also think I might be going insane, I seem to be making less and less sense, and I'm becoming more shut off. I'm worried about everything I said I was worried about last time, and they just keep growing. I'm really fucking stressed/worried/depressed lately. Fucking sucks. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 14th, 2006|08:53 pm] |
| [ | current trip |
| | happy | ] |
| [ | current tunes |
| | Thrice - The Earth Will Shake | ] |
Life's good. I can't complain about much of anything at this point. Happy Valentine's day. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 6th, 2006|03:42 pm] |
| [ | current trip |
| | good | ] |
I took a personal day off today. My weekend was nothing short of intense. Fucking crazy, and I'm never gonna do something that large at my house again. Being a host sucks. But it was fun nonetheless, I enjoyed my weekend. Now I'm home, watched Goodfellas today. I gotta letter from Hofstra saying their giving me 3500 dollar annual scholarship. Which is fucking ill. I'm out |
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